Holy Crap

All day I've been changing diapers and I'm not going to lie, I felt like the Martha-freakin' Stuart of diaper changes around here. I had my front tuck technique so his umbilical cord wouldn't get irritated down so tight you'd think I volunteered at the woman's hospital like a high school candy-striper trying to get kudos for college. Burp bib over his bathing suit area so as not to get a surprise spray from his mini-me? Check. Wet wipes on hand? Check. I was the master of this little game and I couldn't figure out what the big deal was...until this beast came along.

Let's be clear about something...that is not hospital chocolate pudding. Now, before I start, I can already hear you veteran dads sitting back, shaking your head, and saying "Fanous...you ain't seen nothing yet." You're right, I haven't seen anything yet which is why this chocolate gift from hell destroyed every bit of ego I had in my diaper fantasy league. I literally felt like Brazil after their 7-1 World Cup defeat in front of their home crowd to Germany. This little guy kicked my butt all over the place and my poor wife looked on like Scolari watching his Brazilian players getting steam-rolled by a clearly superior side. This poop was so gnarly it covered every inch and crevice of my son's body. You would think that such a small body can't be that hard to clean...wrong. This kids body is like the grand canyon and he's playing a disturbing game of hide and go seek my poop. Oh and that grand canyon is moving around like a shape shifter from Star Trek and is loud. Ever seen the movie Screamers? You get the idea. From the minute I started this little adventure until I handed him to my wife after I was done, he screamed. Very loudly. 

Here's what I learned today:

1. Always assume a diaper has 8-10x more poo than you think is humanly possible
2. You can never have enough wet wipes
3. Your hands will get dirty. So will your wrist, forearm, shoulders, ear lob, stomach, and big toe. Potentially an eye lash too.
4. After you get him clean, go over him one more time with a wet wipe. You'd be surprised what you find.
5. I love my son...a lot.

I'll end this entry with the wise words I said to my son which I stole from Ron Burgundy, "How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing."